A Letter To The Dead Me

Here is a letter I wrote for a screenplay of a *certain* show that portrayed the life of a sad woman. Depression is like being homesick but not knowing where home is. It’s such a horrifying experience and feeling where one feels to leave everything and go away from the world. Even I faced this and I know how bad it was but somewhere I always told myself that I will come out of it. Here’s a letter I’m sharing that I wrote from the perspective of a young woman who writes to herself when she got better.

Dear insecure, the old version of me,

Thank you so very much for making me the person I’m today. Thank you for believing in me and pushing me towards the best even when I didn’t want to. Thank you for not giving up completely.

A Letter To The Dead Me 1
Image Credit: theawkwardyeti.com

I remember those days when nothing was going right, and I didn’t feel like doing anything. When I felt wasted, sad and didn’t want to try or enjoy something. Months were passed by but nothing changed in me and I was exactly at the same place. I didn’t know what to do but cry all the time. Finally, when I decided to know what exactly is going on in my head, I started researching my symptoms and behavior. During this process, I was terrified of the truth that I was going through depression. I just wanted to run away from myself because I didn’t want to accept the truth. I was pinching myself and hoping that it was just a dream but sadly it wasn’t. I didn’t have the courage to go and confess it to my friends and parents because I knew that they’ll take it in a wrong way so I decided to keep it to myself and fight all by myself against it. It was a very tough period finding my own identity in the world. Being surrounded by so many people all the time it took a lot, to pretend and in my pretentious endeavors of happiness, I was getting entangled in a web I tried to build for my safety. I used to cancel all the plans and wished to be at home all alone. Negative thoughts had blind my eyes and I cried all day and night. Overthinking took a toll on me and it started affecting my body. I started losing weight and didn’t eat well. All the misconceptions were created in my head all by itself. This feeling was so terrible that it made me believe that no one loves me, I’m not good enough and the ones closest to me will leave me forever. Of course, my rough childhood added fuel to the fire and I was at a point where I lost faith and I stopped trusting anyone not even myself. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt like breaking it because all I could see was an ugly, failed disappointing face. The feeling of not good enough for anyone gave so much pain that I started hurting myself because I thought it justified the things. If I’m ugly then let’s punish myself so it will do justification.

All this was crap yet I kept believing it because mentally I was tired to understand things. I made peace with myself by hurting, punching the walls, taking medicines, not sleeping. All these things started satisfying me but somewhere, somewhere you just knew that I don’t deserve this and I deserve the best. That feeling held me up and pushed me towards the good. Your belief in me and the amount of love you started giving me comforted me and made me feel safe and secured. It didn’t happen overnight, it took months. It is still an ongoing transition that won’t stop ever because learning more and more, experiencing more only brings the best version of me.

Thank you for letting go of the thoughts and people who brought you down and bullied you. Pretending and giving all of me to the people who didn’t deserve was exhausting. It was tough to be that person who I never wanted to be. Disappointing people and hurting them was difficult for me but you taught me to let go of toxic people from life. Thank you for mending all the relationships and helping me to be with people who loved me and wanted me. Thank you for understanding that life is not easy and one should embrace everything. Thank you for sticking to the hard times and reminding me again and again that everything will be fine. A big thanks for reminding me all day that I’m beautiful and I owe myself a lot of happiness and love. Thank you for finding me a home when I was homesick.
Who I was before is not who I am now. But the person I was before has turned me into this strong and loving person. I am proud of you for always being with me.

Yours sincerely,
The new yourself!

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